It’s been a year since my ex assaulted me for the last time. Although this was not how I invisioned our relationship ending, I’m so happy to be away from this toxic person and on the other side, where the grass really is greener.
Now that I’ve had a whole year to get my shit together and look back on the trauma of the relationship (and aftermath.) I’m ready to make peace with it. I’ve licked my wounds and rooted myself in new fertile soil, where I’m going to blossom. I’ve spent the last year de-worming the foundations of my life. I’m now sewing my seeds for the future. (Gotta love a nature metaphor AY!)
So, I’m ready to talk about how living with a narcissist can change you. How being with someone who brings out the worst in you, is the most brutal lesson in self awareness. How trying to love someone who hates themselves shatters the hope that there is any real joy in the world and that you aren’t worthy of love.
You live each day trying not to say the wrong thing or let that person push your buttons. You cut off friends and family to avoid conflict and drama. The cycle of emotional abuse continues, for weeks and months, turning into years. Eventually you grow into an angry and bitter person. You’re a snappy and impatient mother. A judgemental friend. A distracted employee. A lazy, begrudged partner. That’s just what a narcissist wants, they want to be the better person. They want to have the control and power over you. They make you believe you’ve become the problem, while victimising themselves.
Once you’re left with a shred of the vibrant and optimistic self you used to be, you’ll look in the mirror to be confronted with a reflection of the person you’ve started to resent. You start to resent them for turning you into someone you wouldn’t even want to spend time with. You’re angry at yourself for being manipulated. But you know this is not who you are, this is not the person you want to become. You realise this is the beginning of the end. It took a long time, but you’re aware now. You know that you’re the heroin of your story. You can break the cycle and save yourself. You don’t even know if anything close to love exists. But you live in hope, because you’re starting to love yourself and that’s where you reclaim your power.
I finally cut off the baggage that was anchoring me in one stagnant position. Cut ties with people who don’t have my best interest at heart. I made a decision that will affect me and my son for the rest of our life, but one I have no doubts or regrets about, because we are thriving.
In some ways I feel like the same person that I was a year ago: I have hope, I’ve reclaimed my power and am learning to love myself more and more each day. On the other hand, I’m so so far from that place that I don’t even recognise who I was. That chapter is over. When I talk and think about it now, I see myself as a close friend who was going through a struggle. Glad to see they’ve come out of it, a little bruised, but unscathed. That’s a nice perspective.
This last year I’ve proved to myself that actually, I can do this on my own. I can rely on myself. I am MY best friend. I’m the definition of a strong independent woman who don’t need no man! My vibration is HIGH. My aura is glowing.
I’ve defined what I want and what I don’t want. What’s worth my time, energy and resources and what sure as hell is not. And boy can I spot a red flag from a mile off.
It was brutal and soul shattering living with a narcissist. But here I am today, grateful for that lesson, living my best life, becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m not quite there yet, but wow look how close I am now. *plays Thank You by Jamelia*
The reason I’m baring all in this post is because I want any other person who’s going through or has been through the same thing, to feel empowered. I’m a reminder that no matter how bad things get, you can take control of your life and turn things around.